Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating. Sometimes it feels like the world is just collapsing in on me and I can’t get away from it. I feel powerless and trapped and I can’t even find myself letting the tears fall. I’m not allowed to let the tears fall. Because tears falling, that leads to questions. Questions lead to inevitable answers and answers lead to judgement and anger because I’m not supposed to be this way. I’m not supposed to feel like I don’t belong in my own family. I’m not supposed to feel like my parents are manipulative and awful to me sometimes. I’m not supposed to feel used or under appreciated or thrown to the side or discarded I’m not supposed to want the world to open up and swallow me whole.
I’m supposed to be the perfect person. Everyone says that love me and that I’m so perfect until I screw up. And then they know… I’m just someone trying to hide behind a mask that was so intricately painted for me. It hides everything. People can’t see me. All they see is a goddamn facade. One that I’ve been taught to have. Truly, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I always have a stupid smile screwed on my face even when I feel like screaming and breaking everything I can get my hands on. But I’m not supposed to be like this.
I’m supposed to be a perfect Christian daughter. I have to go to church every Sunday even if I hate our church. God, sure. I believe in God. But every time I walk in that place I feel pressure to be someone I’m not. And my Dad blows up at me when I don’t want to go. Because it’s wrong for me to hate it there or feel unwanted there. And it’s wrong for me to not go to church and have my own opinions, despite turning eighteen in less than two months. It’s wrong for me to hate it here and feel unwanted and never involved or cared for.
I wish I wasn’t here. Normally I would wish I was halfway across the world, imagining people who would just get it. Or people who wouldn’t get it and just be there anyways. I don’t have that. I never had. People don’t understand. But right now, all I want is for everything to just disappear. I want it all to stop. And I can’t make it.
I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now. All I want to do is start banging on something. I want everyone to leave me alone because no one fucking gets it! They think they do and they tell me they do but they DONT. THEY. DONT. GET. IT.
Schools gonna be a bitch, okay? I can’t do it! I need to breakdown but I can’t because I don’t want people to see. I can’t have people see. I can’t be like this. I can’t let people see. I’m not supposed to be like this. I’m just not.
I can’t talk to people about this. My parents have seen this side of me before. But they’ve decided it’s probably just apart of being a teenager. Because apparently that’s now what we call wanting to throw up every time I look in a mirror and banging my head on the wall because sometimes I wish my mind would just STOP THINKING. It doesn’t. I can’t control it.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Please someone tell me. I can’t be like this. I feel more alone right now than I ever have before and it’s like people don’t even care. Or they don’t even notice. Because they have something better to be doing. I can’t exactly say I blame them.
Please someone tell me what the hell is wrong with me.