As I sit right here typing the phrases, “I’m pregnant!” it’s phrases we’ve been dreaming about for nearly a full yr now. Actually working towards every month. For a yr. My coronary heart can’t cease smiling fascinated about it, and I can’t wipe the smile off my face because the tears proceed to fall down my face. Tears of happiness. Tears of pleasure. Tears of previous heartbreak. All of it. I’ve shared a whole lot of my previous infertility journey that introduced us to Otis (which you’ll examine right here) and I’m dedicated to sharing our story with you as we expertise it. These posts for me have been therapeutic to have the ability to diary as I’ve skilled it. Additionally, please be variety if I am going out and in of tense as a few of this was written within the second and a few of it after the very fact. BEAR WITH ME.
This Frozen Embryo Switch was probably crucial of all of them. It was our final frozen embryo we had in storage. And our final strive for a child. The load of that was suffocating. After beforehand going via 3 egg retrievals, after Otis I used to be left with 3 frozen embabies. Our valuable little infants. In fact there are at all times choices to maintain going however I’m in fact already 37 years outdated and I STRUGGLED to get wholesome embryos from my retrievals since my egg high quality was fairly poor. I used to be additionally not sure if I used to be prepared to bear the entire egg retrieval course of once more however this now introduced all these ideas up. What if my final switch doesn’t work? There was ALOT on our minds. Alot. So wanting into our final probability with our final embryo had a whole lot of weight to it. After taking a look at our previous failed cycles with our physician, she had an thought to do one thing fully totally different. This each excited me and fully TERRIFIED me. However at this level, we actually wanted to throw all of it on the road to place our greatest foot ahead. I belief my physician so I used to be prepared to go down a brand new path. I believe it’s at all times essential to combine issues up since you by no means know what your recipe for achievement can be. She needed to strive a “Pure FET cycle” that means that we’d complement much less with artificial hormones and as an alternative, let my physique paved the way naturally after which solely complement with much less hormones nearer to embryo switch. Since I’ve had points getting a thicker lining with all of the artificial hormones, we have been curious to see how my physique does fully on it’s personal. So the purpose could be, monitor my pure cycle in a “mock” cycle the place we have been solely doing bloodwork and ultrasounds to assemble info and monitor my cycle. No embryo switch. Simply monitoring for analysis. I used to be IN.
Monitoring my Pure Cycle
The method could be, wait until cycle day 3 of my interval and are available in for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork at my fertility clinic. Then for me to do at dwelling ovulation kits to trace my ovulation at dwelling in addition to are available in for a number of scans to see how my eggs have been rising and monitoring it with kits, bloodwork and ultrasound. In doing this, we discovered that my lining naturally appeared FREAKING AMAZING. WHO WOULD HAVE KNOWN. Mainly my lining appeared the perfect it ever had and I used to be virtually upset this was a mock cycle and never an actual one. That’s how good my lining appeared. After we confirmed ovulation with each my at dwelling kits, and ultrasound and blood work, physician additionally confirmed that my estrogen tends to dip a bit of low after ovulation so that’s the place we need to complement a bit of extra in our actual cycle. Good to know! Additionally, we have been excited to determine we’d lock right into a pure FET cycle and we have been doing this!!! In fact we additionally tried naturally that month to get pregnant and naturally it didn’t occur. So we have been on our method to our Pure FET cycle with my subsequent interval.
Pure Cycle FET
I began my cycle on the third day of my interval and got here in for a baseline examine. The did an ultrasound to verify I didn’t have any cysts on my ovaries and did blood work to examine my hormone ranges. The plan was to do at dwelling ovulation kits and wait for prime and peak outcomes. The kits I take advantage of first inform you when your ranges are HIGH after which inform you when it’s PEAK which is true earlier than ovulation. So it was about 2 weeks till I went in once more only for a examine. Issues have been really wanting farther alongside than final cycle so we did extra blood work and she or he suspected I might be getting shut so I might come again in 2 days. In 2 days, my physique was READY! These eggs have been rising completely and after we checked my hormones I used to be able to go!! IT WAS INSANITY. I used to be anticipating to have a for much longer cycle once more however this was flying by holy crap. I waited for blood work to verify however that night time I did my set off shot! The set off shot would verify my actual embryo switch timing. My lining was the perfect it’s ever appeared! It appeared “lush and juicy” within the phrases of my physician and she or he was so enthusiastic about how nice it appeared that she printed me out a photograph. I had that good trilaminar look to it as nicely which is all very constructive. Issues have been wanting wonderful for my pure cycle and I used to be excited the physician was as hyped as I used to be about it. I knew that if issues didn’t look nice, we might at all times cancel and take a look at once more however we have been doing this!!
One week earlier than I did my set off injection which might set off ovulation and set the wheels into movement for my embryo switch. I began my progesterone 5 days earlier than switch and my different meds 3 days earlier than. Progesterone this time was 1 injection and 1 suppository at night time. I actually forgot how horrible these suppositories are. Mainly it’s a compounded model of progesterone that appears like an outsized tablet that you just shove up your girl elements at night time. However the aftermath is that’s oozes out sort of slowly over time. Sorry TMI however rattling they’re GROSS. They only actually find yourself making me really feel very uncomfortable and I a lot want the injections which I do know sounds INSANE. I began WAY much less different hormones 3 days earlier than. 2 estrogen patches after which my regular protocol of antibiotics, claritin, pepcid, child aspirin, and medrol. After the medrol was completed I might begin my prednisone. So all of the meds have been largely the identical as my medicated cycles up to now however only a lot much less of them since we have been working with my very own physique’s items.
We did one final appointment on Friday earlier than my Monday switch to verify all my hormones have been wanting good and that lining was additionally wanting good. I believe my nerves have been operating excessive. The appointment went nice and the whole lot appeared prepared. Hormones and lining appeared good. I received to the checkout desk and was scheduling my being pregnant blood drawl check and a couple of of my nurses came to visit to want me luck at my switch. I misplaced it. I really feel terrible to have been crying on the desk as I’m positive anybody within the ready room might hear me. However wow. The gravity of the whole lot was hitting me. I desperately wanted this to work. It was our final valuable embryo and I used to be a sizzling mess of emotion. I believed I had all of it collectively, I used to be feeling so good and constructive, however that doesn’t imply you aren’t FEELING. Simply such a susceptible second. Shedding your shit. In public. However rattling, infertility is tough as fuck. It’s actually fucking laborious. And going to battle and being knocked down each time takes its toll. I left the workplace tissues in hand. After I received to my automobile, I made a decision to vary the script. Sure we had 1 extra probability however that 1 probability is a blessing.
EMBRYO TRANSFER DAY
Of all my transfers, this one was one for the books. My smile was larger waking up. I used to be extra hopeful. I laid out my rainbow shirt, my cozy warrior socks, and I sat excited to begin my day and transfer a step nearer to increasing our household. I blow dried my hair, which in Covid instances, is an enormous deal. I needed to really feel good. Look good. Be the sunshine I wanted this present day.
Blake, Otis and I packed as much as depart. Due to Covid-19, he was not allowed in for my switch however he would drop me off and be there ready. As I used to be getting within the automobile, I observed 3 morning doves strolling via our backyard. It was the signal I wanted that morning. Third time’s the appeal. I couldn’t knock the smile off my face after that. Even though harmful fires have been raging via my a part of Southern California, my sister was evacuated from her dwelling and it smelled horribly of smoke even exterior of our own residence, I used to be constructive. Nothing was going to break this present day for me.
After I received to the clinic, it was enterprise as standard. Take my valium and I crammed out all my kinds and so forth and earlier than I knew it I used to be again within the room preparing. I at all times play music on my telephone and this time I placed on my Summer time Salt playlist for some good vibes. The embryologist got here in, shared excellent news about our thawed 4AB embryo and confirmed it was our final regular embryo. My physician got here in shortly after. A speculum, a catheter and some fast minutes later and the embryo was in! Watching it on the display occur by way of ultrasound is actually a sureal expertise. And similar to that, we did it. I had my fortunate socks on holding me cozy and I additionally introduced a number of ribbons with me from a present as a great luck appeal. Channeling hope and love via each second. I had requested Blake if he might give me an affirmation every day after my switch to maintain my spirits excessive and maintain my hopeful coronary heart in the correct route. I didn’t know he was going to offer me one thing on the day of my switch however earlier than I had walked in, he gave me my first affirmation from him and Otis. I received to open it as I sat alone ready for the medical doctors and nurses to come back in. I can’t inform you how a lot that meant to me. “The ache that you just’ve been feeling can’t evaluate to the enjoyment that’s coming” <3, Blake + Otis By no means underestimate the ability of a small gesture to make somebody’s coronary heart simply so joyful. Blake picked me up and we drove dwelling to for me to get cozy in mattress, eat my lunch, and take a a lot wanted nap. Since I take valium to chill out me earlier than my process, I at all times want a great nap that day to sleep the whole lot off.
2WW (The Two Week Wait)
This time interval is the dreaded “TWO WEEK WAIT.” Technically it’s 10 days after my switch that I can go in for my beta blood work to measure my HCG ranges and discover out if I received pregnant from my switch. So let’s begin from the start of these 10 days.
My first 3 days (together with switch day) have been mattress/sofa relaxation. So principally hold in mattress, have Blake deliver me all my meals and snacks and simply BE CHILL and BE HAPPY. With a view to put together for this and make it simpler for Blake, who took break day of labor to observe and look after myself and Otis, I did our meal plan for bedrest and deliberate a few of my favourite meals to take pleasure in throughout this time. Additionally a practice on switch day for me is to take pleasure in a bagel with sundried tomato cream cheese and cucumber in mattress whereas I watch Father of the Bride. I do that each time. It’s simply a part of my “joyful” course of. We needed to maintain my door closed since mattress relaxation and a toddler don’t combine. In fact Otis and Blake might are available in to say hello each every now and then, however the essential factor was for me to be chill and mellow. So I binged my fav rom coms in mattress, took some naps, and thought constructive ideas. I additionally facetimed Otis for each meal so I felt a part of the household even caught in mattress. Love that know-how might maintain us collectively at dinner time. This additionally made me joyful to see Otis’ candy face.
On day 4, I used to be allowed to renew regular exercise so long as I avoided any strenuous and no understanding in any respect. Additionally, no lifting my toddler. That one is troublesome! However I’m so grateful to have Blake working from dwelling to assist me raise him out and in of his crib throughout this time. So we took issues simple, and saved myself busy hanging with Otis each day and ready.
Through the 2ww I used to be additionally monitoring my physique like a HAWK. What was I feeling? How was I feeling? Had been these indicators of being pregnant? Had been these indicators of my interval? Anybody that endures the 2WW turns into obsessive about any small signs they may detect and surprise WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN. I’m telling you, it’s maddening. The issue is, with every switch, all of the signs are virtually an identical for being pregnant OR getting your interval. Critically. It’s a thoughts fuck excuse my French however it’s. And evaluating my signs to my final 2 failed FET, they have been comparable. So how was I alleged to know if it was good or dangerous? There was simply no method to know. I had the slight cramping. I had the sore boobs. I had the bloating. Mainly all of the signs all week. I began these 10 days mellow and funky as a cucumber however as the times handed by… the anxiousness began to rise.
9DPT (9 Days Submit Switch)
As I sit right here on Nov 4th, my anxiousness degree is at an all time excessive with the election nonetheless lingering with no clear reduce winner and a being pregnant check lingering. Chalk it as much as large PTSD however wow the nerves are hitting me right this moment. I do know what is completed is completed, and I do know my outcomes will share simply that. However this time, it’s all on the road. Because the day went on the anxiousness rose. I ended up doing a mediation in my calm app and taking a nap when Otis took a nap. I wanted that launch. Later within the day after dinner, I went to the lavatory and I swear after I wiped, I had a slight mild pink streak. I freaked out. Might this be my interval??? We have been getting Otis prepared for mattress and I used to be sitting in his rocking chair ready for him and Blake to come back into the room and I simply broke down. Hysterically ugly crying I stated to blake, “Im so nervous.” Tears streaming. Uncontrollably. I believe on this second I noticed that whereas my degree of optimism was excessive, there was nonetheless 2 doable outcomes… and now I used to be freaking out. Sadly I made Blake stress out too however rattling guys. I simply misplaced it. Whereas the 2WW is at all times an excruciating time for folks going via fertility therapy, the day earlier than blood check was excessive up within the worst days ever. After we received Otis down for mattress, we binged some 90 Day Fiance earlier than the 90 days to get our minds off the child subject. After which tucked ourselves in with our nightly meditation. I’ve the Hatch Restore and it’s been an ideal a part of my each day routine. You possibly can choose customized meditations to play earlier than mattress after which play your sound machine music. It’s helped to set a great intention for me earlier than bedtime. Setting my thoughts in the correct house has been such an essential factor to give attention to all through this expertise.
10DPT + Being pregnant Blood Check
I believe Blake and I barely slept the night time resulting in my blood work. I wakened and received able to go and made positive to pee in a cup for Blake. I NEVER go into my bloodwork with out doing a HPT (dwelling being pregnant check) as a result of I don’t need to discover out blind from a telephone name if I don’t should. So I peed within the cup and left. Proper after I depart the door, Blake does the being pregnant check for me. He’s a GOOD man. So grateful he does this for me. I do that in order that we’ve outcomes however I don’t know till after my blood work in order that I’m in good spirits on the medical doctors workplace. I headed in for my fast blood drawl and I used to be again into my automobile eagerly texting Blake. Due to the stress and PTSD… I texted Blake, “Damaging?” and he texted me, “Are you positive you wanna know?” and I stated sure. “You’re PREGNANT!” I swear after I learn it… I blacked out. LITERALLY BLACKED OUT. I instantly video chatted with Blake whereas uncontrollably and hysterically crying. HYSTERICAL. I used to be in full shock. Blake requested, “Are you excited???” Since he was clearly confused by my tears of utter shock. OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It severely took me a while to relax. It was actually unbelievable. After 1 cancelled cycle and a couple of failed transfers…. I lastly received a constructive dwelling being pregnant check. It was a fucking miracle. Now to attend for the precise blood outcomes.
The nurse known as me later within the day to share the excellent news and I used to be simply so relieved to not get that acquainted telephone name from my physician. The PTSD is so actual in relation to each a part of this course of. My ranges appeared GREAT and I might come again in 2 days to verify my beta HCG ranges have been going up. My ranges 2 days later appeared nice once more. It was official!!!! I might go in subsequent week for my 5 week ultrasound. At this level, we had our journey to Alisal scheduled btw my blood work and my ultrasound appointment so it was the right midweek time to actually rejoice our new discovered information collectively as a household. But additionally gave us a lot pleasure to know after our quick journey, I might come dwelling to an ultrasound appointment to SEE OUR BABY.
5 Week Ultrasound Appointment
Main as much as every milestone is sort of a wave of hysteria following with you. In fact I’m hopeful, joyful, excited however when you’ve got this many issues getting pregnant, I forgot simply how a lot anxiousness I had main as much as every weekly appointment. Being in such a sample of heartbreak and disappointment you’re simply ready for the opposite shoe to drop. However wow. What a milestone. I headed in for my appointment and the physician stated, “There it’s! Proper the place I left it!” I breathed a sigh of reduction as we appeared on the little circle that was our child on the ultrasound machine. She defined that my appointment for six weeks we MIGHT be capable of hear the heartbeat however to not freak out if we didn’t as a result of we nonetheless had our 7 week appointment to listen to it. So now we simply waited for the subsequent week. I nonetheless am persevering with all my meds: 2x a day progesterone injections, 2 estrogen patches modified each different day, and my each day anti-inflammatory protocol meds (prednisone, claritin, pepcid ac and child aspirin).
6 Week Ultrasound Appointment
At this appointment I received to see the flickering of the guts!!!! BIG BIG FEELINGS!!! No sound but to detect however it was an ideal signal to bodily see the heartbeat. Firstly of 6 weeks is when my excessive nausea started. It was a lot worse than my being pregnant with Otis. I began diclegis (2 capsules at night time) to assist fight my nausea and assist me to perform as a mother to a toddler.
7 Week Ultrasound Appointment
WE GOT TO HEAR THE HEARTBEAT!!!!!! Such a milestone to expertise. An thrilling week for development. One other constructive is that after 1 week of taking diclegis, I used to be beginning to lastly really feel a bit higher. The meds positively took time to kick in for me. It was not fast reduction.
8 Week Ultrasound Appointment
Development was all good! Feeling general significantly better since beginning my meds as nicely.
9 Week Ultrasound Appointment
Scan went nice and I received to lower my meds to the beneath!
1 progesterone injection a dayStop prednisone pillsContinue estrogen patchesContinue child aspirinContinue claritin and pepcid as wanted
The nausea gave the impression to be creeping again late afternoon and simply was not feeling nice from afternoon to supper time. I misplaced my urge for food at night time and it was laborious to actually get down any dinner. Plenty of exhaustion and going to be early this week. Its the week I felt the WORST. Even regardless of being on the diclegis at night time. However beginning 10 weeks and a couple of days I began to really feel alot higher once more.
10 Week Ultrasound Appointment
Beginning to lastly really feel higher general. However WOW. Large exhaustion and simply feeling so drained abruptly. Zero vitality. Blake additionally stated, “you look drained” so there may be that. HA! Scan appeared good and development is on monitor!
We additionally did our genetic testing blood work that appears for genetic problems in addition to can signify gender (despite the fact that we already know) and can await these outcomes. The good factor is we already know we’ve a wholesome genetically examined embryo however to be thorough we alway do that blood work regardless. And as at all times, every step continues to be nerve wracking as we transfer ahead.
11 Week Ultrasound Appointment
Our infant is de facto beginning to appear like a child on the ultrasound!!! Humorous how issues develop so shortly every week and actually begin to rework. All the things is wanting nice and at last weaning down meds once more. VERY thrilling.
No extra patchesWean all the way down to 1 progesterone injection each different day
I used to be feeling fairly good general and never sick. However nonetheless very drained because the day drags on. Since dropping the meds, I began to get a hormonal headache which lasted for two days. Fortunately it handed shortly and is probably going because of the fluctuation of my hormones from stopping sure meds and so forth. I do have the occasional nausea at night time so I be sure that to be having smaller meals in addition to some protein snacks all through the day to attempt to curb the nausea if I can.
12 Week Ultrasound Appointment with My Gynocologist
HOLY CRAP I made it to my gyno appointment. Due to the way in which the vacations fell this yr (each Christmas and New Years) I used to be capable of do my 12 week with my Gyno after which do my Fertility clinic 12 week the next week. I hope to have the ability to graduate subsequent week from my fertility clinic however time will inform. Or ought to I say, my bloodwork will inform.
At my appointment I had a prolonged ultrasound to see child. GUYS!!!! The tech stated the child was so accommodating and was actually exhibiting off probably the most good little angles for images. She was capable of get some actually cool 3d renderings of child that you just see above. SO. FREAKING. COOL!!! All the things appeared nice. Heartbeat is nice. All nice! I subsequent met with the nurse practitioner, since I don’t see my physician on my first appointment, and went over some fundamentals after which I used to be on my method to get my prenatal blood panel. And that’s it! Such a milestone heading to my first obgyn appointment.
By way of how I’m feeling, let me inform you the nausea is creeping proper again at night time so round supper time to bedtime I’m sort of feeling depressing once more. However I do know that quickly sufficient issues will degree out and I must be feeling significantly better over all once more. I’m so glad to nonetheless be taking the diclegis or I might REALLY really feel like crap. Thanks fashionable drugs. No matter feeling crappy, I do know it’s all for a great trigger so that you received’t discover me complaining… that always
What’s Taking place Now
We clearly have a protracted street forward of us and lots of milestones to realize with our valuable little child. I really feel every week, you take a look at the subsequent and assume, “Wow! I’ll really feel significantly better at “X” week.” Then “X” week hits and you’ll really feel higher and extra assured the NEXT week. So many nerves in relation to being pregnant at the least for us round right here. What I can say is we’re so hopeful and with each week our hearts simply develop larger because the child grows. Due to my appointments falling over the vacations, I’ve my 12 week appointment at my fertility clinic subsequent week a bit of bit late and we’re HOPEFULLY it is going to be my commencement day!! Hopefully all my ranges look nice after we do my bloodwork and I can lastly cease all my medicines. My fingers can be crossed for that second. I informed my physician I can be joyful after I by no means should see her once more. HA! I do know that sounds imply however she TOTALLY understood what I meant. I see Dr. Moayeri at OC Fertility and her workplace works via the CCRM facility in Orange County. I can’t say sufficient good issues about them in case you are on the hunt for a health care provider. Even have seen Dr. Sachdev there many instances who’s equally beautiful.
To have gone via all of this infertility journey throughout regular instances would have been excruciating and add in a world pandemic, due to Covid-19, it added an additional layer of complexity to the whole lot. To consider all the ladies, going to their appointments alone, going via procedures alone… it simply breaks my coronary heart. Particularly these going via it for his or her first time. These instances and these struggles have solely confirmed one thing I’ve discovered via having Otis: That I’ve extra braveness than I might have ever thought doable. This course of has virtually been extra excruciating realizing what a lightweight and pleasure it has been to be a mom to Otis. It’s damage further laborious realizing that we might by no means be capable of give Otis a sibling. To be given the enjoyment and privilege of being a mom the primary time was my largest dream come true. And to be given that chance once more, I’m simply crying tears of pleasure. Over. and Over. And over once more. It nonetheless feels sureal to assume we’re on the opposite facet of this. On a regular basis I get up and go to mattress, wanting on the ultrasound picture subsequent to my mattress, and the inspiration quotes Blake typed out for me that I nonetheless have hanging on a string on my wall. And the picture of our valuable embryo and the picture of our precise switch. On a regular basis I rely my blessings. So coming this July 2021, Otis will develop into an enormous brother. And for that, Blake and I’ll by no means cease smiling.
I understand how triggering a being pregnant announcement might be to these nonetheless struggling via their infertility or making an attempt to get pregnant naturally. However know that miracles occur. And that almost all of all, when it may appear the darkest, hope stays. I hope via listening to our story, you aren’t alone going via infertility. It’s true that the storm is indescribable however the rainbow is at all times well worth the wrestle. My coronary heart is with you all.
Otis pajamas in these images are from my collaboration with Clover child & Youngsters. It’s clearly VERY particular since each Otis and our future little child can be our little rainbows of pleasure. You guess I’ve ever dimension in there for when child #2 comes to hitch us. You should utilize code: OTIS for 20% off most objects if you wish to rejoice your individual little rainbow child with me. Store right here.