In Search of Cheesy Christian Entertainment
Today, let’s put on our high top shoes, step into the world of dance, and witness a musical that explores how peer pressure can wreak havoc in your life. If you’re craving award-winning performances, iconic music, and a compelling storyline, I’m sorry to say that you’re in the wrong place. But if you’re up for a cheesy Christian musical designed for 14-year-old homeschoolers during their Youth Group service, then you’ve come to the right spot. Check out the full music here (although I can’t promise you’ll enjoy it): Ratingperson.
A Quirky Production with Modest Beginnings
Hi-Tops, a stage performance that gained some popularity in the early 80s, was later released on VHS in 1985. The distribution was handled by Maranatha Music, a record company with a profound impact on contemporary Christian music. If you grew up in church and still catch yourself humming a worship song from the 90s, you can thank Maranatha Music for that earworm.
Unforgettable Performances (Without the Fame)
Notable personalities don’t take center stage in Hi-Tops, except for Crystal Lewis! Although I wasn’t aware of her until now, she has had a long career as a singer resembling Amy Grant. Interestingly, her trajectory seems fitting for someone who performed in Hi-Tops. Once you plunge into the world of campy Christian entertainment, there’s no turning back. As Nietzsche warned, “Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”
Crystal Lewis’s journey is a testament to this warning. See the evidence for yourself!
A Brief Summary of the Plot
The musical begins with a scene featuring cyborg angels reminiscent of Daft Punk. A scripture verse warns us about spiritual “warfare” – the demons’ attempts to lure us into sin. We are then introduced to teenagers overacting as if their lives depend on it. Their desire to attend a concert that night makes us question why we’re subjecting ourselves to this music. The concert is led by a fictitious Christian ensemble named ‘Hi-Tops.’
Following a bizarre science fiction disco, Satan himself makes an appearance and shares his disdain for Christian concerts. However, he retreats when confronted by one of the Daft Punk angels. The leader of Hi-Tops then announces open auditions for the band, and naturally, all the teenagers vie for a spot. Who wouldn’t want to join the coolest group of homeschoolers ever assembled?
Meanwhile, a nerd character delivers a rather peculiar soliloquy about personal hygiene while discovering the existence of girls. It’s hard to tell if he’s acting or experiencing the effects of his first encounter with cocaine. Either way, it leaves us speechless.
Shortly after a song, we meet three angels residing in heaven. They engage in a conversation about fads and peer pressure, concepts that seem foreign to them. Gabriel sends them to Earth disguised as teenagers to gain a better understanding of peer pressure. They perform a song about the topic and introduce us to a character dubbed Thumb Girl.
The story then takes on a High School Musical vibe when one of the boys’ father opposes his participation in the musical. The nerd character also auditions for the musical, despite being unpopular and disliked by everyone. To add to the intrigue, the snobby rich girl pranks him into believing she has feelings for him.
As if things weren’t strange enough, Satan enrolls in their high school alongside the angels. His attire resembles a fusion of Michael Jackson and characters from the animated rock musical film Rock and Rule. He performs a song that sounds like John Travolta impersonating Michael Jackson.
One of the angels disguises herself as a nerd girl, struggling to make friends due to her uncool clothes. However, a chance encounter with the nerd boy sparks a connection, and they sing a passionate duet. Although it feels like a nail scratching a chalkboard, the audience finds it amusing. At this point, reality becomes hazy.
In another scene, a conversation ensues between the athletic All-American Boy and surfer-dude-bro-angel about premarital sex. The angel attempts to convince All-American Boy to control his desires, while Satan concocts a plan to lead him astray.
All-American Boy proposes to Nice Girl, who accepts. To celebrate, he suggests they engage in intimate activities at Makeout Reef (which I prefer calling “inspiration point” from Spongebob). However, she declines, saving herself for marriage. The musical underscores the repercussions of premarital sex, warning that it can lead to ruined lives. Yet another song follows, which we’ll return to later.
The nerds in love face a breakup because their angelic status prevents them from being together. As expected, God’s love consoles the heartbroken nerd boy. This Christian breakup line is as classic as the phrase, “God wants us to break up.” In fact, I once dated a Christian girl who told me, “I’ve been praying about it, and God keeps telling me to do what makes me happy. This relationship doesn’t make me happy anymore.” She then dumped me to pursue a relationship with the guy she cheated on me with. True story! But hey, it’s alright because God still loves me.
All the teenagers audition for Hi-Tops, the coolest band ever. Unfortunately, Evil Blonde Girl from Halloween 4 tricks All-American Girl into missing the audition. The nerd boy pours his heart out in a song about feeling unloved.
When Evil Blonde Girl’s deceit is exposed, she is ousted from Hi-Tops. Satan appears, tempting her to indulge in drinking and pills.
Surprisingly, she overdoses but miraculously survives. She and the nerd boy discover a newfound connection. Additionally, All-American Boy and All-American Girl decide to restart their relationship, placing the Lord above everything else.
The grand finale is a song about how Jesus can make everything better and beautiful. However, it mainly entails the nerd boy and All-American Girl belting out intense notes as if their lives depended on it.
The musical concludes with a High School Musical-inspired freeze frame.
Unforgettable Moments Worth Mentioning
1. Bootleg Daft Punk
One of the highlights of this show is undoubtedly the sci-fi nu disco dance number featuring a knock-off version of Daft Punk. Its connection to the plot is questionable, much like the plot itself. The Daft Punk angels merely stand there, not contributing to the storyline. It seems as though someone had a cool costume idea but failed to incorporate it meaningfully into the plot. I might assume they are part of the “Hi-Tops” band, but they recognize Lucifer and even threaten him during his soliloquy. Oddly, this freeze frame moment breaks continuity with the rest of the play and engages with the fourth wall in a meta manner. However, they never reappear, leaving their purpose unresolved.
The song itself is mesmerizing, but not in a positive way. Let’s be honest; it’s terrible, and the dancers’ lack of synchronization only enhances the experience. In my notes from my initial viewing, I jotted down my reaction: “I am transfixed, transfigured. I am now a new creation.” Join me in this transcendental state:
2. David Bowie-Inspired Bedazzled Satan
Many have remarked that the Satan costume resembles a Bowie knock-off. Nonetheless, that glitter is extraordinary. It’s undeniably one of the most fabulous portrayals of Lucifer ever witnessed. Additionally, he has a touch of werewolf in him, suggesting that more movies should consider featuring a werewolf Satan.
3. The Delightful Set Design
The entire set screams 80s with its skyscraper platforms adorned with a disco ball. The vibrant palette of yellow, teal, and hot pink creates a nostalgic atmosphere. I must admit, I have a soft spot for this cheap 80s aesthetic.
4. “The Fight Song” Song
There’s something remarkably strange about this song. It feels like a baritone country singer belting out 80s synth pop. Somehow, it parodies itself unintentionally, almost as if aliens discovered 80s pop music, disguised themselves, and released their own single. Strangely enough, the dancers, still out of sync, perform the same choreography as the previous song.
5. The Heavenly Angels
Who approved these costumes? Their wigs resemble bath bubbles. And what’s going on with Gabriel’s attire? He looks like a Dungeons and Dragons LARP enthusiast. However, I must express gratitude for their outrageous robes, adding a touch of flamboyance to the scene.
This scene, around the 20:45 mark, is perhaps the cringiest in the entire musical. If you feel like subjecting yourself to the entire production (pro tip: you really don’t), you’ll understand why.
6. Thumb Girl
Rumor has it that this moment birthed nightmares. What does her peculiar thumb-head have to do with the plot? It remains a mystery. Wearing a 1950s poodle skirt and inexplicably donning those glasses, she bewilders the audience. Her purpose is even more elusive than that of the Daft Punk angels.
7. Loser by Wardrobe Choice
The musical subtly contradicts its intended message that cool clothes don’t define your worth. The angel-turned-nerd quickly realizes this truth, and only the nerd boy befriends her because he is basically hormones personified. Their love duet resembles nails scratching a chalkboard.
The film’s underlying message seems to convey, “Sure, you might be a loser and face ridicule for being uncool, but it’s alright because God still loves you.”
8. Purity Dancing
Ah, the classic tale of two Christian teens wanting to marry before their time. Classic indeed. Emphasizing All-American Girl’s decision to abstain from sex as the epitome of feminism, the musical brings a unique twist to the narrative. As All-American Boy’s advances are denied, the two watching angels declare, “Now there’s a girl who thinks for herself!” and “She’s totally cash!” I’m not mocking abstinence or suggesting that it conflicts with feminism. That’s not the point. Evangelical media often portrays abstinence as the coolest choice in the world. If that doesn’t work, fear tactics are employed. This scene incorporates both approaches. First, it presents abstinence from a feminist perspective, followed by a cautionary tale about the consequences of pregnancy and its potential to ruin lives.
To add to the spectacle, they break into song. In my mind, it is an evangelical parody or “subversion” of Dirty Dancing. I assumed Hi-Tops inspired similar movies, but it actually predates Dirty Dancing by two years! So, maybe Patrick Swayze was simply emulating these cool kids.
I must admit, though, the trippy video effects during this scene were unexpectedly enjoyable. I still can’t grasp their purpose, but at this point, I’ve relinquished any hope of understanding the artistic decisions.
9. One Brush with Drugs Spells Doom
Towards the end of the show, Evil Blonde Girl from Halloween 4 succumbs to distress, turns to pills, and nearly dies. This is a classic trope in evangelical media. Typically, a character succumbs to peer pressure, resists momentarily, and then gives in. The moment they experiment with drugs (or engage in certain behaviors), they face immediate and severe consequences. All it takes is one mistake to ruin your life. This plot device forms the foundation of countless judgment houses.
The Final Verdict
Honestly, this musical is the epitome of cringe. It still gives me goosebumps, and it took me weeks to summon the courage to complete this review. Will I watch it again? Perhaps with friends who possess a peculiar fondness for exceptionally terrible musicals, but they are a rare breed.
Interestingly, this production might be considered “ahead of its time.” Recent discussions on evangelical subculture in the 90s, particularly purity culture, shed light on how these themes and movements took shape during that period. Influential evangelical media, like Carman or Fire by Nite, emerged at least two to three years after Hi-Tops. The lack of change over two decades is fascinating, and this musical serves as an early example of these recurring tropes.
What are your thoughts? Did this musical live up to its painful reputation? Are there any cringeworthy or funny moments I missed? Have you watched this musical before? Share your thoughts in the comments below.